Blue boys 'n ball talk
Last Saturday moi found moi-self among the sporty and fabulous when Orlando Pirates hosted their 75th birthday party at the Sandton Convention Centre.
As classy as they are, gala dinners can be frustrating due to the lighting, which makes everyone in the room blue and orange, making it hard to dig for umgosi.
Oh, not forgetting that moi was made to sit at the back and the quality of the projector screen was so poor it was sad.
But that didn't kill the fun. There were a few peeps worth writing about.
Most of the soccer players rocked up solo, including Benni McCarthy and his greasy perm. That man just won't let up.
Unless the invite specified it was for only one person, I'd rather not speculate.
Anyway, it was no surprise that Robert Marawa was MC for the evening and that he did an impeccable job.
Talking about impeccable, the Afrotenors were breathtaking. So much so that the Iron Duke shed tears.
It was so heart-rending that moi had to make use of my tissues as well.
I too have feelings.
Poet Don Mattera got a standing ovation for his poem. Oh, it was bootiful... actually I don't remember what it was about.
That's because someone interrupted my emotional moment - Andile Ncube in a suit and minus his dreadlocks.
And who was that mystery woman trailing him and watching his every move?
Probably his mum. How cute!
Sigh. Then the 999 crew strolled in - Arthur, Chomee and Arthur Jnr. For a moment moi got excited thinking Chomee would wet our party appetite. Nope.
Why did they bother to come?
Oupa Doc Shebeleza looked as though he'd come from playing bowls with senior citizens. Why else would he wear that massive white hat?
At least he wore a black suit.
Moi thought Kenneth Nkosi was gonna die from a laughing spell when soccer legends Kaizer Motaung, Jomo Sono and Screamer Tshabalala had their moment of glory on stage, raving about their amazing soccer careers.
Screamer was on a roll. Wonder what he was on... they should've hired a translator as the poor white people didn't get the vernac. Shame.
Robbie Malinga's a capella singing made it hard for us to sip on our wine.
So off-key and unnecessary.
Irvin Khoza's speech didn't reach half the crowd because they were yapping while he was droning on.
Oh, but Shwashwi is so proud of you. Not quite sure why, though, cos moi is clueless about soccer.
Was Blade Nzimande seriously wearing a red Cosatu shirt under that suit? Don't you have a stylist, a wife, girlfriend or PA?
Oh, guess who else was there? Zwelinzima Vavi and wifey. Seems he doesn't mind costly parties after all. Maybe he took home doggie bags for the poor.