Up close and personal with puppet Chester Missing
SOUTH Africa's most popular "puppet" Chester Missing ain't no puppet. He is quick to point out that the word "puppet" is racist.
He is famous for taking the piss out of politicians on the Late Night News show with Loyiso Gola on e.tv and eNCA.
"Only puppets can call others puppets. It's like the 'N' word. Only Jackson Mthembu is allowed to call me a puppet, that's fine."
Chester prefers to be called a political analyst or "liberal sniper" - the name with which Blade Nzimande baptised him.
"Gareth Cliff, whom I once told to jump off his surname, is a bigger liberal sniper. But if people like Steve Hofmeyr are still around then Cliff deserves to be here," he snipes.
He reckons he will be the perfect president for South Africa. And he can do it without his ventriloquist, Conrad Koch.
"This guy is like Kohler Barnard from the DA without testicles. Why should this white guy benefit from taking the piss out of the ANC?
"I'd be perfect as a leader. We've had one puppet as a president. His suitcase is called Nkandla.
"It's a bit bigger than my suitcase and I'd have to pay ilobola for some barbie dolls," he says.
And the first thing he says he'll do as president is cancel Christmas.
"Santa forgot to send flight plans via Mac Maharaj so we're cancelling."
The wannabe human denies having any relations with Julius Malema.
"We're definitely not related. Have you seen me in a purple suit?
"Hell, I'm not Barney the Dinosaur's illegitimate child.
"I don't know who my family is.
"I wrote to Takalane Sesame but they don't know me either."
He doesn't believe in Christmas, but says this festive he'll visit some BEE bars and ruffle some feathers.
"All I like is the Christmas parties organised by Cope. It's a sad event... like Easter and the bunny. It's just capitalism.
"Father Christmas is also scary - it's like a Cosatu Eugene Terre'Blanche climbing down my chimney."
He also won't be travelling home for the holidays.
"I live in a suitcase - so there's no space for trimmings for Christmas. It's like an RDP house, except it's got WiFi.
"Some people think I'm coloured, you know, but not even I know what I am. So I won't be going home to Cape Town.
"I'm staying here in Jozi. Conrad lives there 'cos he fits in with the DA types. I went to Helen Zille's house. I got kicked out by the armed wing of the DA. They're called ADT.
"I asked Malusi Gigaba for a tender. He denies having anything to do with tenders. He should be minister of communications, a 100 gigaba bytes a second."
He says one thing he wants for Christmas is for the exploitation of puppets, brown people and poor people to stop... and for Oscar Pistorius to stop getting so much attention.
"Shame, man, the only thing that's easy for him is shoe shopping. I dunno why he gets all the attention.
"He only has prosthetic legs. I have prosthetic everything.
"I'd complain about it to Sascoc but can't speak to anyone who sounds like they're in a porno magazine."
It is comments like these that get his "master" into trouble. But Chester says he doesn't feel sorry for Koch because he's a white man putting words into a black man's mouth.
He is looking forward to celebrating New Year while listening to his favourite songs by James Brown and Jay-Z: "I've got the whole uMshini Wam' album."
He also wants the world to know he's a "superstar puppet, not like Danny K and Mandoza. The only thing useful about Mandoza is his sunglasses".
His festive message is: "Don't drink and Drive, you'll get soggy like me."
Catch Chester Missing in his very own road show at the Baxter Theatre in February.