Did you hear the story about the “Mermaid” and the dude with a rash on his penis?
OK, come closer and I will tell you how weak we South Africans are.

A couple of months ago some of us were asked to take part in Celebrity Survivor South Africa.

Being somebody who likes things I agreed with pleasure and went with other personalities to do all sorts of tests, from psychometric, psychological tests, a fitness and full medical exam, which included a pregnancy and HIV test.

All the results were great, except for the fact that I have a heart condition and would have required a cardiologist on the island in case I fell on a thorn and had a heart attack.

I know all you haters wish I had gone but hold on – this story has an ending you have to get to.

So, with advice from their doctor I decided a cardiologist was a tad dramatic and stayed at home with my babies.

Of course their doctor said I should be OK as long as I stay calm but I insisted that missing sleeping on sand during a storm would be OK.

That was the first cowardly act.

“Black folk want the easy life,” says you know who while her one domestic lifts up her feet and the second one vacuums the carpet under her.

“Black folk never want to spend time in the great outdoors and if they do we call them coconuts.

“Our concept of leisure is mostly sitting at restaurants sipping alcoholic beverages while whites hike, run randomly in their yards or even climb mountains to see better views.

“God only knows why.”

Yes, I admit I was a coward and would make the same decision again as I am not geared for cooking food.

Imagine having to find it as well!

Then you had the model Christina Storm who cried and went home early in the show because she claimed she was not a mermaid and did not see the need to be jumping off a cliff into the sea.

Second sign of a coward – what did she think Survivor entailed?

Walking up and down a ramp?

But, then again, I guess after living with James Small every minute away from him should be spent smiling and thinking happy thoughts.

Then you had musician Jub Jub who demanded to leave because he claimed to have a rash on his penis.

He must have repeated this so much I was scared my neighbours would think I was watching porn.

I never did find out what caused the rash but because I’m a huge hypochondriac I consulted Family Doctor Home Adviser on the web.

It had a lot of penis information – lumps, swelling, painful erection, hard skin-coloured lumps or warts, blood in semen, swelling of its tip, pain of the tip but nothing under rash on penis.

Coward number three.

Was he annoyed that there were no screaming girls wielding cellphone cameras for his picture and pens with no ink for his autograph?

But then I thought of reasons for that rash and I realised an insect could have bitten that lovely penis.

But besides all these cowardly personalities whose sudden and dramatic departure will not make a difference to the show, I was impressed at how Christina and Jub Jub stood their ground and headed for their home comforts.

But mostly I take my hat off to Jub Jub for saying: “I want to go home and take care of my penis.”

If all men took care of their penises this would be a better place for us all.

If they did not sleep around without condoms while making ridiculous remarks like: “Oh baby I trust you and besides we are in love,” we would all be safer.

But I wonder if men can use that excuse and really be believed?

Imagine a soccer player stopping in mid game because he has a rash on his penis.

Or what about a visiting priest rushing off the pulpit for calamine lotion.

Wait, how about a traffic officer about to give you a ticket, then the itching starts.

I suppose it’s a great gift for a cheating lover.

I don’t know what caused the rash on Jub Jub’s penis and maybe he is not a coward after all, as he was honest enough to say: “I won’t stay here and have my penis rot off as I must think about my future.”

I wish all men would think about their future and actually be faithful to their wives.

Even if their male friends are screwing anything that wears panties.