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Since last week Sunday I have been too embarrassed to walk outside my house in case I overheard somebody discussing President Jacob Zuma’s private life.
What is wrong with you South Africans? Are you that sexually deprived that you would write about the president’s sex life and disguise it as an enquiry into the number of kids he has produced?
Sure he is president, and it might be slightly peculiar to many who don’t get out much to hear that he has 20 children.
But really I am tired of imagining this geriatric in the sack – whether he is my president or not.
Some things I am really not interested in and they should be kept private. In the past couple of years, baby oil, showers and a kanga were synonymous with my president, but now it’s brides, light-skinned women with big thighs, infants and enough children to populate an entire village and proclaim Zuma King.
I don’t care if my president cannot make an engagement and announces that it could be because he might just be in the middle of another marriage – it’s not funny, maybe a bit.
As a citizen I expect to see my president doing good for the nation and eradicating crime, poverty and loiterers. I would rather witness folk being given proper houses than see the same folk with their thighs in the air celebrating another presidential wedding.
But I have questions for our really fertile president.
And since he has time to be paying folk ilobolo if he’s not impregnating them, then I’m sure he will find five minutes to help me with the following questions.
But if this is too frivolous for my president, can any man who is polygamous answer these questions for ignorant me?
Who pays for all these weddings?
Do you use the same catering company, and has macaroni and cheese ever been included on the menu?
Do you wear the same gear, or do you change it every time you get hitched?
Which are better lovers – older or younger women?
Or do you marry them at the same time because you want to avoid various marriages and expenses? Oh dear, I wonder if they will have the same bed too?
All these kids you dudes have. Do they all know one another or is there a likelihood that they could meet in a club and find things in common?
Since clearly no protection is used with some of them, do you guys have random testing for HIV?
Also, with all these beautiful black wives, do you ever get to rest your willy?
I had a husband once and all I want to ask is when do you have time to really get to know all these women as there seems to be no time in the day – and we all know what you guys do at night. When do you get to chat as you do have to work during the day.
Oh, since I am running out of space, will one of you polygamous men marry me as I’m tired of working for a living? I promise I will be good and you will have no need to find President Zuma’s sex life intriguing.
But please be over 60 as JZ is over 60 and everybody is talking about his magical willy.
Love is always in the airInstead of being a victim of consumerism and buying ridiculous heart-shaped chocolates and red roses with bugs whose origin you don’t know – why not do something different this Valentine’s Day?
Spend time at an orphanage.
Clean your house, we are tired of the “maid is coming ” excuse.
Cook for your local charity.
Don’t waste money you don’t have on somebody who should know you love them. R ather spread the love with the poor, needy and often lazy.
Jeez, I am preaching. If you look at these tips it’s clear that I am single and telling you what my options are, disguised as tips.
Eish, when are the World Cup soccer players arriving?
Zille, back off Zuma and fix Cape crimeMy moment was when I read that DA leader Helen Zille called on Jacob Zuma to apologise to the nation.
“If Zuma says in public that unprotected sex with multiple partners is bad, he is expected to uphold these values in private, otherwise there is little reason to take seriously anything he or his government says.”
I found that statement odd as the President could not – as a polygamous married man – have meant what Zille understood him to mean. I would suggest that Zille sort out the drug and crime levels in Cape Town before adding her two cents anywhere else.
Oh, you could tell the Woolworths managers on Adderly Street that one till with 15 people queueing is ridiculous, unless their plan was to spend the afternoon at Woolworths in fear of being robbed by fellow Capetonians outside.
CT, kiss my big assSo I attended the Met, and no, I did not write the Shwashwi piece – eish. Anyway, it was held in Cape Town and the place is dangerous.
I was robbed of my Blackberry and cash at a restaurant.
My friend’s bag was slit with what resembled a blade and her wallet nicked.
At one of the marquees another friend’s bag was stolen.
Another friend told me he saw many suspicious characters following folk, and he maintains they looked like pickpockets.
How he knows this I’m still not sure. I guess he witnessed a sexy person from Gauteng being robbed in the city riddled with pasty whites and blacks who defecate in toilets without walls, in full view of dodgy loiterers.
You also have the Greenmarket Square, a place full of West African artifacts made in China, and a stunning Green Point stadium.
I hate to know what Cape Town or the entire country will be like during the World Cup. So I have decided to stay at home, buy food in bulk and be far away from the crime wave that is going to hit you at restaurants, parties, stadiums and everywhere.
Of course the government could always surprise me, and then I might be willing to spy on some masculine thigh – I meant sport. But Cape Town can kiss my arse.
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